I learned how to cover it up just enough to stay out of trouble with Mom. I didn’t deal with it at the cross. I didn’t want to. It was easier just to deny it and hide it. I knew what Mom and Dad wanted me to say about it. Did I believe them? No. I thought I could handle it. I thought it wouldn’t be hard for ME to balance it. Other people my age did it, why couldn’t I too? I would show them. I would prove them wrong. For several years, I walked in the darkness of repressing my rebellious spirit and desiring a boyfriend. I covered it just enough to not get a “talking too.” What could be so hard about having a boyfriend? Can’t I try and see if I could balance life with school, basketball, and a boyfriend? Everyone around me seemed to do it just fine. I wanted to try. I wanted to show I was mature enough to not let my duties fall behind just because I had a significant other.
Then I went to college.
At college, I could do anything I wanted to because, for the most part, my parents didn’t know. I told my parents what I wanted and hid from them what I wanted. Now that I was out of the house, I could make my own decisions about my friends and when and where I hung out with them.
Or so I thought.
1 John 1:6: “If we say we have fellowship in Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.” For the majority of my first semester at college, I walked in darkness. I did not know where I was going. I was stumbling. I started letting my guard down. I started doing things that were not characteristic of me such as staying out late and hanging around boys. There was one guy in particular I spent a large amount of my time with. And he began to distract me. I quit practicing basketball like I had previously. My thoughts became pre-occupied with him. I was not as motivated to do school or care about my grades anymore. I was digging myself in a hole with him.
But God, in His mercy, looked upon me and rescued me from my darkness.
One Saturday morning, Dad requested I drive home after a basketball scrimmage that evening. I knew I was in big trouble. Dad never wants his children to drive after dark if it can be avoided, much less request it! I did not want to come home. "What can he do if I say ‘no,’” I wondered. But I didn’t want to find out. I decided to obey and drive home and thank the Lord I did! That weekend He revealed to me my hypocritical spirit with Mom and Dad and home, compared to school and campus. He uncovered my rebellious spirit with guys. I acknowledged it, confessed it, and repented of it. I praise God for revealing my wretched self to me when He did. He cast that sin as far as the East is from the West. I can live forgiven. Yes, I dug myself a hole, that was for sure! but by God’s grace and love, He helped me climb out of it, fill it up, and walk forward, level, in the light. Yes, dealing with my rebellious spirit and hypocrisy hurt. It hurt badly. But God rescued me before I went too far, and I can only thank Him and praise His holy name.